That is the question.

I would love to do it, but it just feels like I’m juggling so many things right now it’s hard to dedicate the time to A. earning some cash to pay for the midwife I know I like or B. getting to know one who is very local but has a reputation for bad office management (like patients wait for 3 hours in the waiting room before being seen).

Let’s imagine for a minute what that would be like with two kids in tow…. ::shudder::

I believe home birth is a safe option in most scenarios. I believe home birth is not for everyone, and they should be allowed to choose a nice cozy hospital bed and one of those fancy epidurals. I have had two, one was very nice. I just don’t know if I believe that home birth is what’s going to work for me. Not because I’m afraid of the risks to 2VBAC moms or anything else like that.

I’m worried about having something else that I will need to manage. If I choose home birth I will have to be stocked with supplies, and if I go with the birth tub I will have to have that inflated and ready to go. All I hear is clutter, to-do lists, and office visits that will be irritating to no end.

I’m trying to do this new thing where sanity and levelheadedness is my top priority. It’s been easier this pregnancy, I’m not nearly as short-fused as I was with the last 2. I’ve mellowed out a bit. I feel like this is probably going to work to my advantage in the end, however and wherever this birth shakes out. I wish there was a way to guarantee an easily achieved positive outcome, but the walrus does not survive the arctic storm by planning and fighting and swimming his heart out, he floats in the waves going where the current takes him- conserving his energies for after the storm.

I didn’t intend to go all metaphor on you, but it really does speak to me and how I’m feeling right now.

So, in summary: I’m deciding that I haven’t decided yet, and that’s okay.