Honestly, I’ve been surprised by the range of emotions I’ve experienced since finding out Hitch is going to be a girl.
I’m pretty happy that I’m having a girl. I would be lying if I denied doing the happy dance once or twice. After the Lyme disease and the crazy medications I was taking to fight it I was concerned. At each doctor visit and sonogram this baby was measuring smaller than her brothers. At the 20 week ultrasound they told me that the baby was measuring right at the 50th percentile. I asked if everything was okay, because I have had two who have been 80-90th percentile it kinda freaked me out to have a baby measure average. There is joy to know there is a non-sick totally healthy explanation for her size. Sex. (or if you want to call it gender, but then there could be the debate about gender being a social construct, hence gender identity disorder and sex changes, but this isn’t the time…)
I think about being surrounded by my 3 kids, being able to imagine it because each ones adorable beachwear or Halloween costumes or Christmas card outfits can all be pictured in my minds eye. I feel joy. Joy that my family is about to be full and happy and complete in a very concrete way.
Guilt. & Excitement.
In order to discuss the guilt we also have to discuss the excitement, as they go hand in hand. I’m excited to buy blue hair bows and non-frilly purple sleepers. (I’m still in boy mode and I haven’t completely lost my head… Yet.) I saw a pair of silvery sequined F-Uggs and just about died. And then the guilt and the shame set in. Really? Have I become so shallow? Would I be this excited about little things like this if I were having my third handsome man? Honestly, probably not, because what little boy owns more than 3 or maybe 4 pairs of shoes? You know, I would be excited about other adorable boy things like idolizing his brothers, the first time he made a vrrrroooom sound with a car, when he looks at me like I’m his whole world. Aaaaand then I feel guilty because I have that and I get to have my girl. As a friend put it I’m “lucky enough to have a horseshoe shoved up my…..” Which pretty much summarizes exactly how I feel.
I have horseshoe guilt.
I still have flashes throughout the day that its going to come out a boy. Sometimes a plain old flash, sometimes a full on panic attack. The envelope, as I said, contains the words “It’s a girl” I haven’t seen proof on an ultrasound. (Perhaps this need explains my chronic challenges with the concepts of faith.)
Jack will fight you if you tell him that mommy is having a girl. I’m glad we have this information now, because it might require some pep-talking and convincing. I was really pretty dissapointed that my mother brought home a brother for me instead of a sister. I was 4 so I had enough attention span to be sad for about 20 minutes, after that I was over it. Except for those few times I dressed him in girl clothing (sorry about that, BTW.) I could see Jack reacting the same way. He’s a man’s man, and he really really really likes to be right. Assuming he is wrong, he probably will have to get over it. Let’s hope it only takes him 20 minutes too.
Ultimately, it feels intangible. It’s the future, not the present. Right now I have holiday fun and an incredible talking toddler (I almost look fondly back on the time when he wasn’t talking) and stairs to re-finish, knitting to work on and a shed to move into. New babies to snuggle, so many new babies recently and more to come; it’s wild! I love it!
What are you getting excited about this holiday season? Do you feel there are oodles of new babies right now?