Many of you will read this and call me crazy. You’re not wrong.

It is so hard for me to call babysitters. For those of you who are sitters, or use sitters regularly- this isn’t about you, it’s about me.

I have left the kids with babysitters. But I can literally count on one hand how many times I have left a highly competent (usually babysitting class certified) tween in charge of my babies.

Every time I drive away, I nearly hyperventilate. It feels like I’ve just remembered I left the oven on or the bathtub filling. Paralyzing panic.

It doesn’t last. But it is awful.

It’s not an issue of trust. I know some great people, and another one across the street I haven’t had the chance to use yet. The sitters are kind and patient and fun.

Yesterday, I called someone to watch the kids so I could go with the Broke Back Husband to his follow up with the Ortho. Henry was asleep on the couch, Maggie was napping in her crib. I was so worried they would wake up afraid. Worried about where mommy went and why she left (even though I mentioned it throughout the day).

I worry that they will be inconsolable. I don’t know if your kids do this when they wake up, but mine act delirious and confused. Sometimes Henry has night terrors. And they happen at nap time too (yay)!

I worry.

The first few weeks I dropped the kids off at the Y, I spent the entire time waiting for someone to come get me because the kids were inconsolable. I exercised on “high alert”. I wonder if I burned more calories that way…

I admire women who work (for pay) and build a relationship of trust with their daycare provider. It requires give and take and trust. I do trust my babysitters, but its my irrational worry, my worst-case scenario thinking, that makes the whole prospect nearly paralyzing.

A few hours here, a handful of hours there, and I’m practically curled up in a fetal position on the floor.

When we drove our sitter home yesterday Jack pouted and Henry cried on the way back home. They wanted to “keep her at our house, mommy.” They loved her.

I remember being excited to have a sitter as a kid. It was different, and special.

I know it’s good for my kids, and its really for me to get some time away- especially right now. I just need to relax. As with most things, this is easier said than done.

Not that we have a date night on the horizon. Unless there is a restaurant where he can eat dinner in bed or a theater where he can lay down to take in a show- it’s gonna be a while before he takes me anywhere. (It’s gonna be a while before I can leave him here with the kids so I can go somewhere.)

But the point is: I hope it gets easier. Because right now? It’s hard!