Why tell everyone you’re crazy?

Because its normal. No, really, it is. And talking about only what’s going well in my life makes me feel like an inauthentic show-off. Some days I wear pajamas all day and don’t leave the couch. Other days I feel like I’m teetering on the brink of sanity and sometimes I’m super productive-go-getter.

I’m human. I’m complicated and it’s okay. I’m being real and vulnerable. I have been met with kindness and support, and surprisingly many questions from friends who I thought had it all together and my story made them feel safe to ask for help.

That’s why I’m going to keep telling it.

So what’s new on the mental-health front?

I recently hit a wall anticipating the start of the school year, dealing with Brokebackhusband’s situation, adding more work to my schedule, and dealing with a basement remodel. With the advice of my midwives I started seeing a psychiatrist.

She switched me from Zoloft to Prozac (both generic). I also have an as-needed Xanax-type drug to help when my anxiety gets really wild. Honestly, I hardly ever use it. Maybe 5 times in the last 7 weeks. It’s almost like knowing I could use it if I needed to makes things seem easier.

So how was the switch?

I woke up in cold sweats. Had trouble falling asleep. I got headaches from clenching my jaw all day long. It lasted about 5 weeks. And now it’s gone. It all went away. Thank goodness!

I thought the Zoloft was working great, but I feel such a difference with my patience levels and getting motivated. It’s made me realize things could have easily been even better. (But Zoloft is the most breast feeding friendly of the SSRIs, so that’s why we stuck with it for so long.)

My house isn’t necessarily cleaner or more organized every day, but gearing up to clean or organize is easy. Where before I would put it off for days!

The other tidbit I know is this- adult ADHD doesn’t play well with anxiety. I get distracted easily and forget things, which makes me anxious and makes my thoughts race, which is highly distracting, so I forget more things. It doesn’t thrill me to take meds for ADHD, but my doc has approved me to take them only as-needed. So on those days when. I have a bunch to do/remember or I need to stay focused on a task, I’ll be more easily able to do that.

I think back on the person I was for the first 2.5 years of motherhood, and although I forgive myself for being so angry and worried and irritable, I realize the people around me were getting me at my craziest. It’s okay. I didn’t really lose friends or family as a result- but I was more difficult to love, and not as good at loving others back then.

I don’t live in the past. I try not to live in the future. And that is the biggest gift taking charge of my mental health has given me: the ability to truly live in the present.

I’m not perfect. I’m not an expert. I’m not trying to advise or suggest anything for anyone. I’m simply saying, if you want things to be better and you think things can be better- take charge, make time. You deserve it. We all do.