I don’t think that I was fully aware, but for the last 6 1/2 years I have been in survival mode. My to do list was a matter of survival. Doing yoga was a matter of survival. What little effort I put into my marriage was a matter of survival. The lack-of-thoroughness with which I read my hundreds and hundreds of emails was a matter of survival. What I ate and drank was a matter of survival. Even my anxiety was a matter of survival.

There are always so many things occurring simultaneously in my life, that I can’t give as much as I really want to give to any of them. This summer I started to feel the first winds of change. I spent some time away at my sister-in-law’s bachelorette party, don’t ask, it’s complicated.

Today, for the first time, I have three kids in school. It’s impossible to put into words how different today is. The furrow between my brow seems less wrinkly. My brain doesn’t feel quite so addled. I thought about my husband, and not in a “When can he come home and help me?!?!” kind of way.

This fall is going to be wild, exciting and entirely unsettling. I’ve been doing the same thing for so long…

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