When I had a tiny baby and very little sleep I fantasized (hallucinated?) that someday we would sit together and create and inspire each other. For a long time after that it was clear that was a delusion. There was no fluffy way these kids were going to let me “parallel work” with them.


With toddlers every time I pulled out a laptop or cell phone they were like cats seeking nip or moms who got a whiff of a pitcher full of frozen margaritas. It was all I could do to keep them from changing my status update to “hvbsbaegabfabfklh”. They want what I have and they want it NOW! My god, why are they so strong?! Now I’m giving them my car keys just so I can have my iPhone back. No harm if the car alarm goes off while in the garage, at least I don’t have OnStar.


Preschoolers aren’t really any better. They aren’t nearly as interested in what you’re doing, but they’re very interested in you being pleasantly distracted so they can diabolically ruin your whole day (life?). They take such a perverse pleasure in dumping out all those carefully sorted Ikea bins filled with toys all over the floor. If you come in to try to redirect (yell at?) the miscreants and happen to step on some tiny fossil fuel derived torture device, well, you’re just playing right into their evil little hand. When they’re not playing Wall.E with everything they own they’re probably fighting with each other over what I call ‘communal property.’ In a house with three kids just four years apart there is no such thing as private property. Unless its mine, and then believe that I will raise hell, because its not like they took my bouncy ball or my vtech gaming cartridge. Childs play. They want to take my dark purple nail polish to draw a road on the carpet in their room. Jerks.


But now, now, its the sweet spot. I haven’t become lame-embarrass-them-mom (yet). My jokes are funny. Brains exploding from frustration, eyeballs that water because of stinky farts, fort building, tickle fights, learning to write and play sports and make things explode in the name of science…. Shit! This is the parenting I signed up for!!

With Sarah Paulson in Down With Love.

I have arrived.

Yes, you can take my coat.